05 January 2010

Trophies and Toys (NSFW)



I'm not a hunter or collector, and have never been the sort of person to collect trophies.  But I understand the urge: you want to save the things you worked so hard to obtain, and you want to display them for the admiration of like-minded enthusiasts who visit your home base.  Some are nicely displayed in organized and conventional arrangements.  These pictures are just filler so those of you who clicked on this link at work have the opportunity to close the window before anybody looking over your shoulder can see the horrors that comes below.  Mom, you too.



Trophies come in all sizes and shapes, and some are downright unusual.  Some are displayed in crude or awkward places.  More filler:



An alert reader who for obvious reasons wishes to remain nameless sent me this link (so, so NSFW) regarding a Russian ER which kept its own trophy wall:



The original source is here, and it is even more insanely Not Safe For Work.

Supposedly the Cyrillic text translates to read "The Foreign Bodies of the Rectum."  Like most of you my first thought was "Wow this is the greatest thing ever," and my next thought was "Yeah, those all look about the right size and shape and WHOAH JESUS IS THAT A COFFEE MUG???"

What a wonderful world we live in that things like this exist.  I wish the hospitals I lived in could maintain that sort of trophy display.  But I guess that's about the most un-PC thing imaginable, isn't it?  I know I would have a few items I've "retrieved" that could be hung up on the wall.

By the way, I am sure that this page will get a lot of views by teenagers, aspiring fetishists and due to strange Google search algorithms, so for any readers who are viewing this as a "how-to" page, let me offer you a few words of advice:

1.  No Glass.  Really.  I mean it.

2.  Avoid non-commercial products.  They just don't belong up there, and there are plenty of sex toys available for purchase on the internet.

3.  Avoid products which are not intended for the rectum.  You want something with a large flare at the bottom, to prevent inadvertent complete insertion and subsequent loss.  Perhaps I need to be clearer.  A vibrator which is intended for vaginal use (like the black one at top right in the above picture) can easily slip in entirely.  So if you're too embarrassed to buy your own, and you borrow your wife's or your sister's or your mom's (eww) you may find yourself in my ER with a whole lotta 'splainin' to do.  No, you want something like this:


This obviously can never be completely inserted (indeed it would apparently defeat the whole purpose of this device!)  Yeah, I didn't know things like this existed either.  And some of them are expensive!  Aren't you glad you read this "medical" blog so you can learn these things?

4. Hygiene counts.  Clean 'em off, and no sharing!  (Eww again.)  Some people say that it's OK to share so long as you use a condom over the toy, but I beg to differ. 

5.  Size matters, but not in the way you might think.  Bigger is not always better.  Start small.  Being over-eager will lead to pain and injury.  You do not want to start out with one of these:

Yeah, that image is going to give me some nightmares, too.  Be modest and work your way up to larger things.  Or don't.  Start small and stay small maybe.  The more I look at this picture the more convinced I become that no matter how gradually you work up to it, it just can't be good for you.

6.  Use lube. The anus differs from the vagina in so many ways (so very many ways).  One key difference is that it is not self lubricating.  That sensitive skin and mucosa can chafe and tear easily, so use lube and be generous.  Never use lidocaine or other desensitizing lubricants, which can mask the pain of insertion of a device that is too large and thereby predispose yourself to injury.

And as always, contact your doctor if an erection persists for more than four hours.

Hey, if this doctoring thing doesn't work out, maybe I could try a new career as a sex advice columnist!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog a few weeks ago. Perfect timing, because I am having my first colonoscopy tomorrow, and somehow, it really seems a whole lot less scary now that I've seen this post. Really. There is nothing they can do to me tomorrow that would be weirder or scarier than some of the things I've just seen. Although I will be keeping one eye open throughout just to be sure...

Alison Cummins said...

“Yeah, I didn’t know things like this existed either.”

Wait a minute — you’d never heard of a butt plug before assembling this post?

That’s the official name for sex toys with a flared base. Butt plug. You go to the sex toy store and you say “I’m looking for a butt plug, please” and they will show you their display of butt plugs at a variety of sizes, textures and prices.

Harry Blackitt said...

Because my wife and I are members of the Protestant Reformed Church, which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century, we can purchase little (or large) rubber devices to prevent issue or to insert them in the ol' poop shoot.

That's what being a protestant is all about you know.

(With all credit to Monty Python)

PS - Love your blog. This entry made me snort my beer all over my screen.

Anonymous said...

I sent the link to this blog to my co-workers this morning, Md's and PA's even the vice-chair. the spine and brain CT's were great. Now this*aack** not that it isn't supremely entertaining and infomative, lol, and definetely have seen items to contribute....

but gahh lol

shadowfax said...

Alison,

Of course I knew that butt plugs existed in a vague sort of way. Don't see 'em too much in the ER, what with the flared bases. But the highly contoured ones are something new so me. They look so ... purposeful. Let me just say that I did not know that butt plug design was so advanced these days! And the big ones. They're totally beyond my experience.

Anonymous said...

Barbie doll- head first. Saw the patient back in my residency days at Harborview. Still have nightmares about it.

Maha said...

Can I make this into a patient handout? I really think many of my patients would benefit from it! Perhaps I can add a social work spin to it, research prices and list comparisons for patients of varying financial means?

j said...

I saw one for sale in a store in San Francisco (of course) which was also a feather duster. Score one for functional design.

Why do I always comment on this kind of post?? I'm still LOLing about "Timber" on Serenity Now's blog. 3rd grade sense of humor forever I guess.