01 January 2008

What the hell is that?

I've now been working in the ER for long enough that I feel like I've seen it all. It's not true, not by a long shot, but I am hard to impress. I've removed so many mundane and sexual foreign objects from so many orifices that it generally doesn't rate on the interest meter any more. Sure, it's not an everyday occurrence, but I actually take more pleasure and interest in treating a little girl who swallowed a dime than some deviant who crammed unknown objects up his butt.

So I had entirely forgotten about the most recent sexual device removal until I got a phone call from a very confused urologist today. A few weeks ago, a fellow presented requesting removal of a "male chastity device" which was, um, stuck. I didn't even know such things existed. Apparently, the penis is inserted into a restrictive container and secured in place using a retaining ring locked around the base of the scrotum. It prevents erections, and I gather is a part of submissive roleplay. A quick google search (which I do not recommend for the faint of heart) turned up a surprising number and variety of such devices, but the one this gentleman had on resembled this:
It was made of steel and the lock was jammed. It was damned difficult to remove. Ring cutters are no good on steel, being made for soft metals. I have used rotating cutting tools before but they tend to heat up the metal too much. Bolt cutters are ... imprecise and thus difficult to use in the genital region. Ultimately, though, it took our largest and strongest bolt cutters and a fair amount of lubricant to remove the offending device. The patient did not wish the device returned to him, and so after the entire staff had gazed at it in wonderment it was placed in the dirty utility room for disposal.

Or so we thought.

I am not sure exactly in which bin it was deposited, but evidently, a well-intentioned cleaning crew picked it up with the rest of the used surgical instruments, and took it back to central sterile supply, where it was washed and sterilized. I can see why -- being stainless steel, it does look like something that ought to be re-used, and the cleaning guys would be afraid to throw it out, not knowing what it was for. I can only imagine their puzzlement as the techs contemplated this unfamiliar object, and in the end they drew a reasonable conclusion from its shape and included it with one of the urologists' surgical trays, with an explanatory note. I happened to be in the ER when the urologist happened to open up this operative tray to find one unexpected instrument, and called down for an explanation. After a great deal of laughter, the mystery was cleared up and I can only presume the device will finally be disposed of.

Unless the cleaning crew finds it again...

21 comments:

jz-md said...

Your comments sound prudish. Try a New Years resolution to get kinkier.

shadowfax said...

I'll work on that resolution!

Seriously, just trying to maintain some semblance of a respectful tone. The most disturbing part of the whole encounter was that I couldn't get my staff to stop giggling about it. Hysterical as it may be, I felt pretty bad for the patient, who was very humiliated coming to the ER with this sort of problem, and how much worse would it have been if (if?) he knew the staff was ROTFL?

The Happy Hospitalist said...

this post earned a spot on my funny pages.

I can only imagine what the cleaning people were thinking.

jz-md said...

I include this line for any acute complication of sex (back pain, penis fracture, retained fb) : "you seem to have a healthy, creative sexual life. I hope this episode doesn't discourage you."

ERnursey said...

Oh how I would have loved to see the urologist's face.

girlvet said...

Oh the wonders of the human mind. Just think someone somewhere in a factory makes these...goes to work everyday and fashions these devices...

emergencyem said...

That is GREAT!

You literally had me laughing out loud.

Spook, RN said...

Bwahahahahaha!

House Whisperer said...

I thought it was a hair salon thingy.

Dr. Val said...

Hilarious. You're not prudish - just an understated style of humor. Love it! Thanks for the laugh.

SeaSpray said...

Absolutely HILARIOUS!!! LOL!

Funny story all the way through...except for the guy's distress/embarrassment.

Rotating power tool in that area? I'd hate to have an "OOPS!" down there. :)

Also, if any of the cleaning crew or techs were male ...I could understand any future aversion they may have to going to a urologist. ;)

Thanks for the GOOD laugh!

SeaSpray said...

P.S.- I was taking a little break from posting but just had to link to this. Hope you don't mind. :)

ScarlettLeopard said...

hey those things are expensive... and now it's all sterile... depending what was cut maybe you should put it on ebay ;)

gravesup said...

Being on the graveyard shift in Sterile Processing, if we would have found it, we would have been extremely confused - as we are frequently left out of the "new items" communication. I would hope we would have waited and asked the day crew before putting it in (or on for this one) a tray. I'm sure there would have been some fun around it with some of the staff.

waxman said...

I was wondering when this situation was going to present itself. My wife and I engage in this sort of thing, but my device is made of plastic. At least it could be removed if the lock jammed!

Kim said...

Hell of a birth control method! : 0

I thought I had seen it all!

Dreaming again said...

speechless!! ROFLMHO

Domhnall Ó hAireachtaigh said...

This was a fun post to read, and boy did it bring back memories.

No, not from "when I did this kind of stuff." (I don't swing *that* way.) However, back in graduate school there was a nice, albeit rather nerdy guy in my dorm who invested much of his public identity in being "Into BDSM." (Everybody knew it was all a big put-on and he probably wasn't getting any, but it was his thing and it made him feel all manly and whatever to wear a chain with locks on it for a belt on his jeans, have handcuffs on his bedposts, etc, so whatevs).

Anyway, one day he forwarded an erotic story to one of my friends that went into great detail about exactly this kind of device. I'd never actually seen one before except in my mind's eye, thanks to that stupid story.

Strangely, it's almost exactly as I'd envisioned it....

Anyway, thanks for the laugh!

Francesca said...

Respectful tone made post even more hilarious. San Francisco area?
Maintenance crew might be able to recycle apparatus as plumbing device. Scrap metal is hot commodity these days. Fun post Doc. Keep up good work on blog.

HEDONE said...

That guy was probably thrilled at the embarrassment. He probably got off on the humiliation of it all. After all he was wearing a male chastity device...It's all a part of his "play".

-H

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